Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
