Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
