if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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