so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Let's get the cat blown out
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
