Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
