I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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