Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
