you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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