Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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