Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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