i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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