matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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