Moan for me like Helen Keller
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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