Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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