I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
