i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
being pregnant is like rehab
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
