if you like me you must not know who I am
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
