I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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