I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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