my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
