my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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