Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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