Swine flu is the new snow day.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
