take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
