im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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