The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
