There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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