I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
