well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
