this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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