So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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