Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
