You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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