There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
