So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
why does every cop we meet know your name?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
