Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
