We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
What a dumb baby whore.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
