I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
