ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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