the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
