'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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