I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
