Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
