Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
