I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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