The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
