at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
