I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
