I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
