Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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