No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just found puke in my bra..
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
