I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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