I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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