So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I wear drunk well.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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