do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
